Adoption Journey: The Call

It's funny that when you're really excited and wanting something to happen, time seems to slow down, the clock appears to stop - or sometimes it even seems to go backwards. Like the last day of school, or Christmas Eve. But, then like summer break, or Christmas day; it finally comes but then that bloody clock speeds right up and it's over in a blink of an eye. That's how this whole adoption process has seemed to go. When we started the process back in January it seemed like it would be forever before we were done all the paper work and approved, and that it was beyond wishful thinking that we would get a placement by the end of the year. Then we were officially approved and I thought I knew what joy was.

Then we had our meeting with the placement worker. She went over all of our selections we'd made, (you know the 6 page book where we had to rate aspects of a child that we'd be okay/not okay with) making sure we didn't want to make any changes. She said that because of how open and willing we were to take a child with pretty much any sort of background, and the fact that I was at home, we most likely wouldn't have to wait too long. That was Friday, October 4. She said that October and November are usually their busiest months with placements so I just knew that we would have a child by the end of the year like we'd prayed for. 

People always seem to remember where they were for life changing events. You ask someone where they were for the moon landing, or 9-11 or Miley Cyrus twerking and they'll all be able to tell you. Here's what my day looked like the day it changed forever. Wednesday, October 9, five days since we met with the placement worker. I was on my way in to a massage appointment when Jason called me. I remember hearing the nervousness in his voice as he told me about a baby girl that had been born that day that they had called him about. Hearing the uncertainty as he told me it was a risky situation because they'd never worked with the birth family before, so they didn't really know what to expect. But most of all, I remember hearing the joy in his voice, that this precious newborn baby girl could be ours. Neither of us cared that both sides of her family are riddled with mental health issues, that there are substance abuse issues with her birth parents, or that there's probably a 50/50 chance that she could go back to the birth-mom (or someone in her family). All we heard is there's a baby girl that needs love, and there's a chance she'll grow to call you Mama and Daddy, and that was good enough for us. We knew that we were signing up for a long road of ups and downs, and that after we loved and raised this sweet girl for a year she could end up going to some member of her bio family which would obviously be heart breaking. But how could we say no, when there is even a slight chance that we could get to keep her forever.

(we finally get to fill in those dotted lines)

After my massage we had a phone conference with the placement worker to go over all the information they currently had. About birth-mom and the little bit they knew about her family, what they know about bio-dad. How many access visits the family wants/gets, an estimate of how long we can expect it to take if we do get to legally adopt her. She said there was a possibility of us getting to meet her Thursday, but she would be discharged Friday and we would either get to pick her up from the hospital, or her worker would drop her off at our house. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! The next thing to do was head to Babies R Us. Ok, so anyone who knows me, knows I have a serious problem when it comes to all things baby. Jason would back away in fear from the look I got in my eye whenever I found out a friend was pregnant, mostly because he knew it would end with me coming home with at least one or two things for myself when I went shopping for them hehe. So, unleashing me unsupervised in a baby store mere hours after finding out I was about to become a mother - probably not the best idea. But, I did quite well. All I went in the store for was a change pad & cover, a crib sheet and some bottles, and miraculously that's all I came out with. (I did have about 6 different pieces of cute clothes, but I somehow found the willpower to put them back.) It was a new kind of experience being in a store shopping for myself.

The next stop I had to make was to our friends house so they could unload an unhealthy amount of baby paraphernalia on me. I came away laden down with five giant totes full of all sorts of baby girl goodies. Good thing we already traded in our coolness for a mini-van because I came away from there looking like I'd just moved out. I had a ton of fun sorting through all the clothes, although the house looked like an episode of Hoarders after I was done. By then it was bedtime, but there was no way I was going to be able to sleep (Jason had absolutely no problem accomplishing that) I had 9 months of nesting to cram into two days, and an ass-ton of laundry to do. So as I lay awake in the spare bed listening to the whack, whack, whack of all the snaps on all the baby clothes (seriously those bloody things are like all snaps) I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by a sense of peace and immense happiness. I thought I knew joy.


You can find our other adoption posts here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Adoption Journey: Our Story Pt 3

(continued from part two: We figured if it's going to cost us as much (if not more) to conceive a biological child as it is to do an international adoption, then we're certainly going to go for the option that comes with a trip. In case you couldn't tell (or don't know us) we really love to explore, we've got a few notches on our continental belt, but we'd like to add a few more. Although at this point we decided that a domestic adoption through CAS was what was right for us. So I sent off the email, saying we were interested.)

It didn't take long for CAS to get back to us saying we could book an intake meeting, which we set for just after the New Year. (Thank goodness, because I want a child dang-nabbit). We flung ourselves around the house like chickens with our heads cut off tidying, and wrapping up a number of projects, we even stocked up on groceries, you know, just in case they checked in our fridge?! Needless to say we were a little paranoid, Jason even more-so than I for once. It was an intake meeting so the lady didn't even leave our kitchen table haha, let alone make sure we took off the random nail strips between rooms. (But hey, it got those nail strips removed, so I'm ok with that). It was about an hour that she was there, and she basically just went over all of their policies, gave us a mountain of paperwork, and told us we could start the PRIDE training process in three days. Woot, talk about streamlining the process. They have a rule that if you're adopting, you can't be doing fertility treatments, or you can't be pregnant. Which was okay with us, because we can't afford the treatments right now, and we certainly aren't going to be pregnant without them, so we were good to go!

Most of the paperwork was pretty straightforward, they do a credit check, and want to a bunch of your basic info. Then there's the more difficult ones where you have to check off all that apply to your childhood, what your relationship is like with your parents, your values, etc. They go over everything with you at one of your home visits, which is good, because mine was pretty contradictory haha. Then there's the one that you don't think is going to be all that hard, but is slightly difficult, and can make you feel like a terrible person. That's the one where you have to rate (from 1-5) the type of child you'd like. They cover pretty much everything under the sun that the child could potentially be affected with, and it's hard to think on a spectrum for some of the options. Like a facial abnormality could be any from an easy to fix cleft lip, to something like a missing jaw, or something more extreme. So, you basically rate something a 3 or higher if you want a phone call, where they'll give you a bit more info on the child before you make a decision. We've finished the 9 sessions of training, and we have our first home visit scheduled for the beginning of April. To say we're excited is a bit of an understatement.

     We finally got the Monash results back (two days after my birthday), and it unfortunately wasn't the answer we were wanting. I was hoping with all hope that they would find a few. Even though we have no intentions of pursuing any fertility treatments right now, it's still a bit of a blow, because it means the possibility we may not being able to pursue them down the road. The Monash came back saying they still weren't able to find any. So the next step is for Jason to see a urologist, to determine if there's any sort of vas deferen blockage, or any other issue. Then the urologist will determine if he can biopsy to extract sperm we could work with. Although our doctor said that they may not decide to do that because of that elevated FSH level Jason has. Nothing says romantic baby-makin' like sticking a giant needle into the boys. Although I guess if I have to experience a giant needle, he should too right? No, not really the same? He went for his tests before we started any of the naturalistic things we're doing, so we're planning on going through the tests again in a few years if we end up deciding to go the fertility route. 

I get asked a lot how we're handling it so well. The main reason I think is because we both just want to be parents so badly, the delivery method doesn't matter so much. Were we upset that we most likely won't be able to biologically have children. Absolutely. Were there some tears? For sure. But mostly, we were relieved, we knew why we weren't pregnant yet, and we knew now it wasn't because of anything we were doing wrong. We now had a number of different "next steps" down a variety of different avenues. The hardest thing for me, and what still gets me every now and then, is that I may not be able to ever have a piece of Jason. I may never get that adorable little platinum blonde baby boy that looks just like Jason. But (and that's a big but), I still get to watch him be a father, and thinking about that makes it a lot easier. I still get to watch him instill all the values he believes are important into a child that otherwise wouldn't get those values. That's what I focus on, how great of a father he'll be, because by doing that, by being him, I still will have a piece of Jason, (it just may not look like him, or have his blood coursing through their veins). Knowing that while we may not ever be able to be biological parents to anyone, we still get to be parents is good enough for us.
   Another thing that hels us, is we talk. A lot. About everything. (Seriously everything, when we were early on in our dating lives we once had an hour long conversation about different vegetables - cuz we're cool like that!) We talked before we were married about children, and parenting, and adoption. It's surprising how many people don't talk about children before they're married. How they'll parent, what morals and values are important, schooling, religion, etc...those are all very important topics to know where each other stands before committing to each other. We always talked about, what if our baby has Down Syndrome, or ADHD, or Autism. We talked about adoption early on, and how important we both knew it was, and the types of kids we'd want to adopt. And we even talked about infertility. How far would we go? Would we do IVF knowing how expensive it is and that there's no guarantee. Well now we're faced with a biopsied ICSI IVF, which is considerably more, and we knew we weren't willing to go into debt just to try. There was no doubt for us what our next step would be, there was no question about what to do, because we already knew, we'd talked before, and throughout the process. We knew where we stood because of all the prep work we'd laid before we even began this journey. We constantly talk to each other, ask questions, gauge where our emotions are at. About how he felt when we got the news, how I felt. Do we feel like things are moving in the right direction? Are they moving too fast? Not fast enough? There are times when neither of us really want to talk, but we still know it's important, so even though we may push some big talks off for a week or so, we always end up talking about things, especially big things. Plus, we are seriously the two most sarcastic, ridiculous people you'll ever meet. We don't take ourselves seriously, and we're not afraid to poke fun at each other. Life is short, you're supposed to have fun. Even when life seems to be kicking you in the teeth after a root canal (yeah, I'm talking to you 2012) don't forget to have fun, because even when you think you have the worst life around, there's always someone whose life sucks more.
    There were fleeting moments when I thought, "Why me? Why after all I've already been through, and overcome, does this have to happen to me?" I felt like having a baby was owed to me because I've already proved time and time again that I can handle tough, crappy things, I felt I was entitled. Then I took a step back and thought, maybe that's why this was happening to me, because I could handle it. I'd handled everything else life threw at me, maybe this was another test to see if I was worthy for whatever is in store for me. If you have a big enough goal, and you constantly have your eye on it, then no matter what roadblocks get tossed in front of you, you know where your path will lead you. To your greatest goal. For me, that's motherhood, I just have to take the scenic route now to get there; but I know that prize will be well worth every toll I had to pay, or speed bumps I took a little too fast, or detours I had to take. 

  

Fertility issues suck. Big time. They can tear marriages apart, and ruin relationships if you let them. Don't. Don't let a penny on the track completely derail your train. Just run over it, shoot it out, and ping one of those annoying "knows best" people in the throat with it.  Don't try and fit having children into any sort of plan, because what fertility ladies and teen moms know best, is children don't give a rip about any sort of life plan. Just know what your purpose is, for me it's to be a mother, not to be pregnant; then figure out ways to fulfill that purpose. For us, right now that's a domestic adoption. I know adoption isn't the right choice for everyone, but it is for us. And we can't wait to start the judgement process so we can start kid shopping. Maybe it's a good thing we can pick our kid, instead of them having the unfortunate possibility of looking like either one of the crazies from the above picture. Can't wait to tell you how our first home visit goes.


(Read part one, or part two)

Adoption Journey: Our Story Pt 2

(continued from part one) I kept asking these people at what point is it safe to say it's not going to "happen when it happens", or how long do we let it go before we're not "still young". You're never too young to seek fertility help. I know you're trying to make us feel better, but you don't, it's better just to not say anything, and nod along when we're telling you how frustrated we are.

Us at Machu Picchu on our honeymoon in Peru, where I got to pet a baby llama!

It was July before I made a doctors appointment, and December before we got an appointment at the Fertility Doctor's. I was hoping we'd be one of those couples who somehow miraculously get pregnant before we even had an appointment (you know like that friend of a sister-in-law). We weren't. They did their tests; blood work, semen analysis, internal ultrasounds and all that fun jazz. Everything for me seemed to be checking out fine, so we were waiting to hear back from Jason's semen analysis, and I had to have more bloodwork done to make sure I actually ovulate. A week before my appointment I got a phone call saying, "is your husband able to come with you to your appointment, we have his semen analysis back." Well hmmm, what the heck is that supposed to mean. I wasn't really worried, because so far they'd had us come to all the appointments together and told us our results with both of us present. Although I still couldn't help but think that they'd found something abnormal. Perhaps his motility was low? Or maybe his count was a bit lower than average. I knew that an average sperm count for a healthy male range from 20-40 million per mililitre of semen. I also knew that they usually didn't do an IUI unless there was around 5 million, so I was hoping he'd have enough for that and we could just do an IUI. Thankfully it was only a week for me to have to stew in my own thoughts.
   Jason likes to do things in his own time, there's no rushing him in anything he does, he isn't lazy by any means, but if he didn't have to do anything he'd be ok with that, sleep is his favourite pass-time, and having to make decisions probably his least favourite thing. I on the other hand am opposite, I like things to fit into my plan, and heaven forbid if you don't make a decision when I want you to, I'm also not really sure what sleep is, since I don't get much of it. Which is why many friends I had in high-school couldn't understand why I was still with him, after a month when he still hadn't kissed me. As anyone who knows us, knows it took almost two months for him to finally pluck up the nerve to kiss me. So, while it was extremely frustrating that he still hadn't proposed after 4.5 years of dating (and 2.5 years of talking about it), it wasn't really all that shocking. My frustration was more than beginning to show, as most of my friends could attest, I talked about it probably more than was respectable. It wasn't until I suggested threatened told him I was going to propose to him, that he finally got around to popping the question. It was totally unromantic, there was no bended knee, and he left 45min after I said yes, but it was completely, totally us, and it was perfect. I often joked that his sperm were just so in-tune with the rest of him, that they were taking their sweet little time like he always did
   The doctor called us in to his office, and we sat down on the couch, taking mental note that there were Kleenex on the couch this time, which made my heart skip a beat. First he told us that all my blood work checked out ok, and that (at least that month) I ovulate. Then he wheeled his chair so his knees were between us, he was clearly braced for our reactions. He started by asking Jason a bunch of questions about when he did the sample, how long before he gave it over, etc. Then he said, "we don't really see this all that often, but the lab was unable to find any sperm." Well, huh! I looked at Jason, then we quickly averted our eyes, trying not to laugh. Seriously, no sperm eh. Then the doctor started talking about blood work Jase would have to have done, to check his ovary function, to which I naturally had to make a sarcastic remark about "no wonder we're not pregnant if you have ovaries." Then Jason came back with an equally sarcastic remark, because that's how we roll. Then, my favourite part of the whole appointment happened. The doctor rolled his chair back a bit, gave us a quizzical look and said, "you two are handling this remarkably well." To which I had to laugh again, because I had images flash through my head of a wife leaping across the office at her husband to pluck his eyes out - or possibly even his balls since they're nothing more than decorative at that point. He explained that the lab couldn't find anything under a few million, so there was still hope, he'd just have to go for a more in depth test where, if they could find even as many as 12, we would have something to work at. Naturally, I snorted at that, thinking of the mighty Spartan's fighting the Persian army, and had an immediate desire to watch the movie 300. Pretty sure the doctor thought we were unhinged as we left his office smiling. A nurse came to make our day better by asking us if we knew how to go about getting a Monash - which Jason thought was a small deciduous tree, and I thought was perhaps an old style dance move - but is actually what the more in depth sperm analysis is called. 

 the summer we got engaged on the homeward stretch of our two week road trip out west - this is at Kakabeka falls in northern Ontario

Monash results usually take around six weeks to get results, but since we had to contend with Christmas/New Years it ended up taking more like nine! Which sucked. But since I always try my hardest to look on the bright side, or for the silver lining, (or whatever corny cliche you want to throw in there) I was happy that it gave us more time to talk about our options. The doctor had mentioned the possibility of using a sperm bank, which neither of us were overly keen on - although we're planning on going to a support group type thing, because I want to get a grasp of how other women who had to make that choice felt about the matter. Again we were joking that it shouldn't be too hard for us to find the right match, because how many 6'4" ginger's can there be that donate sperm right? I received a call while we were waiting for the results to again let me know that everything was looking good from my side (which can make you feel a little guilty), the conversation regarding Jason went a little something like this:
  Nurse: We found in Jason's blood work that his FSH is a little high.
  Me: OK, well how high is high?
  Nurse: I'm not sure, it just says high.
  Me: Uh, right. Well, what does that mean?
  Nurse: I'm not really sure, I just know what all the female blood work means. 
  Me: Okay...well do we need to make an appointment to go over things then?
  Nurse: Nope, we'll let you know when the Monash results come in, then the doctor will go over things with you.
Right, that seems legit, I was left wondering what in the hell was the purpose of the phone call, if all they did was make me turn to the internet to try and figure out what it all meant. And any hypochondriac or someone with munchausen can tell you, the internet is chaulk full of a plethora of frightening things pertaining the simplest of ailments. Turns out FSH is "Follicle-Stimulating-Hormone" and it's basically in charge of stimulating the growth of sperm, and if it's too high it's because the testes aren't producing a hormone called inhibin. What does it all mean? Basically that there's been some sort of testicular failure - which could be because of a pituitary problem, or some sort of trauma, or a number of other things. And basically unless you can find out why this FSH is elevated (and that the cause is treatable) there's not a whole lot you can do about it. So at this stage, all I could do was hold out hope that they would find a small Spartan army ready to go to battle.  

 Us showing off our glorious sun burns in Cuba (and yes, Jason's shirt does say, "The lawn gnomes are stealing my sanity")


  We had always talked about adopting, it's always been something we were going to do. Both biological children and adoption were always our Plan A. Call us crazy, but we always planned to have four kids of our own then adopt one or two children. Well, in case I hadn't already learned, plans change. With Jason's either extremely low or non-existent sperm count, we clearly weren't going to have any biological children without sinking considerable amount of money into something that came with no guarantees. We decided that regardless of what the results came back as, we weren't going to go ahead with any sort of fertility treatments. We just didn't have the money to be pursuing the ICSI IVF - we're looking at anywhere from $6000 - $9000 per cycle. Doesn't everyone have an extra 8G they can just fling at a procedure that isn't going to guarantee you anything? We weren't looking to go into debt, so it was apparent that we were going to have to change our plan. We figured if it's going to cost us as much (if not more) to conceive a biological child as it is to do an international adoption, then we're certainly going to go for the option that comes with a trip. In case you couldn't tell (or don't know us) we really love to explore, we've got a few notches on our continental belt, but we'd like to add a few more. Although at this point we decided that a domestic adoption through CAS was what was right for us. So I sent off the email, saying we were interested. 


(Read part one and part three)

Adoption Journey: Our Story Pt 1

Most of you know we're adopting, but we haven't really shared they why with too many people. Well, here's our story:
     *this is a lengthy post, I tried to break it up with random pictures, so brace yourselves. I know how to ramble.*

Aww look, that's us, posing amoungst the cows at our wedding. Jason is shielding me, and yelling at the cow because he was trying to tongue kiss me; he's got my back. Anywhoooo, back to the story at hand.  

   We started "trying" for a baby as soon as we were married. We pulled the goalie, but we weren't trying, trying. Just sort of letting the higher powers that be take care of us, and hope that we get pregnant. The months came and went, and nothing, so we decided to "try" a little harder. I started to track my cycles more closely, trying to figure out when I would ovulate in the hopes that if we timed it properly it'd happen. We talked before (well I talked and he agreed, like any good husband hehe) that we would try for a year then see a doctor to see if we needed help. I wasn't really too upset at this point, since we'd only been trying for 6/7 months, and we were looking to buy a house...so the timing probably wasn't right. Then we bought a house, and I got laid off, and I had to take a minimum wage job, and we were doing massive renovations, I kept telling myself that timing just wasn't right, and that it was probably for the best that we weren't pregnant yet, because throwing a child into the mix wouldn't be financially responsible.  
   When I was young one of the things I wanted to be most when I grew up was a wife and mother (once I realized that I, unfortunately would never be a caterpillar). Violinist, doctor and tightrope walker were also among top picks. But I knew in my heart that I would grow up to be a wife and mother, and I planned on being a good one. Jason also grew up wanting and knowing he would be a father some day, which is probably one of the subconscious reasons I was drawn to him. I know he'll be a fantastic father. It was part of my plan to be married and have at least one kid by the time I was 25. (You know, that plan you make when you're like 12) Well, since Jason took his sweet time to propose to me (we seriously talked about getting married longer than one of his cousins dated the man she married four months after we did!) that didn't leave much time to have a baby before I was 25. So I had to alter my plan. I decided that as long as I had a baby while I was 25 that would still be ok, that would still count.
    March came around and we still weren't pregnant, and we'd been trying for close to a year (which I know isn't that long in comparison to some people). Now I was finally starting to panic, my window (which I'd already altered once) was starting to close, so I had to step up my game again. I used ovulation tests for a couple months, to know for sure when I was ovulating. Anyone who has tried for an extended period of time knows what this period is like. Where sex becomes a chore, and you're only doing it to try and get pregnant. It wasn't fun anymore, he would ask, and I would either say, "yeah, we should it's the right time." or, "no, we can't do it yet, we have to wait until tomorrow afternoon, that's optimal time." The best time to do it is in the morning, and you really only have a window of about 8-12 hours, you should do it just before you're supposed to ovulate because then the sperm should be higher up, in the right spot for when you do ovulate. Blah, blah, blah. It was starting to take over, it was all I could think about, and I know I talked about it probably more than I should. April came, then May, Our anniversary was clouded, because we still weren't pregnant, and now my window had closed. The only way that I could have a baby while I was 25 was if I hoped for a premie, and what kind of person would that make me?

D'aww, the first picture of the two of us, aren't we so sweet and innocent looking. This was over 7 years ago!

Jason and I began dating a month before my 19th birthday, when we were both doing a victory lap year in highschool, so I guess that technically makes us highschool sweethearts? We met at a New Year's party, that was a typical highschool party, drunk people making out all over the place haha. Jason and I were pretty much the only ones managing to keep our clothes on, even though our intoxication levels were fairly high. At one point in the night I remember saying to him, "I have no one to lay on, and you have no one to lay on you, so I'm just going to lay on you, okay?" I clearly didn't wait for an answer and just plopped my head on his lap. Then later on he asked me if it would be okay if he kissed me at midnight. Well, needless to say that hooked me, how polite! One of the things that kept me coming back to Jason was that he listened, he actually cared about what I was saying - even though we talked about the most ridiculous things. He was one of the most loving, kind, generous people I'd met and it wasn't long before I knew he was "the one". Granted at 19, most people don't take you seriously when you say this is the person you're going to marry. Jason opened me back up, and taught me that it's ok to trust, he helped me through a lot, and I helped him through some things. We talked, to each other, and better yet, we listened.
   May was a very rough month for us, especially me. My window had closed, and everywhere I turned there was a pregnant person, or a new mom. My breaking point was when I saw a man who looked like he was 7months pregnant and I called Jason in hysterics, demanding to know why this man could be pregnant, and I couldn't. Basket case doesn't even begin to describe how ridiculous I was acting. That incident sort of snapped me back to reality, but the whole time Jason was there, supporting me, letting me breakdown because he knew it's what I needed, then helped me when I was ready to pick the pieces back up again. For the second time I had to change the plan for my life. I told myself as long as I get pregnant while I'm still 25 all is well.
    We'd been trying for a year now, so we could at least make an appointment to see if things were working right. If you've tried for a long time to get pregnant, you know all about the "knows best" people. The people who are trying to make you feel better by saying things that in all actuality make you want to roundhouse kick them to the ovaries Chuck Norris style. They say things like, "you're still young." "it'll happen when it happens" "it's all part of God's plan", or one of my personal favourites, "just stop trying." Then there's the ones who try to give you advice, because a friend of a friend of a cousin of a sister-in-law got pregnant as soon as they stopped caring. Well guess what people, I stopped caring, I stopped tracking, I threw my hands up in the air, and said, "Jesus take the wheel" a la Carrie Underwood. I kept asking these people at what point is it safe to say it's not going to "happen when it happens", or how long do we let it go before we're not "still young". You're never too young to seek fertility help. I know when people say those things, they're trying to make us feel better, but they don't. It's better just to not say anything, and nod along when we're telling you how frustrated we are.