Adoption Journey: Our Story Pt 3

(continued from part two: We figured if it's going to cost us as much (if not more) to conceive a biological child as it is to do an international adoption, then we're certainly going to go for the option that comes with a trip. In case you couldn't tell (or don't know us) we really love to explore, we've got a few notches on our continental belt, but we'd like to add a few more. Although at this point we decided that a domestic adoption through CAS was what was right for us. So I sent off the email, saying we were interested.)

It didn't take long for CAS to get back to us saying we could book an intake meeting, which we set for just after the New Year. (Thank goodness, because I want a child dang-nabbit). We flung ourselves around the house like chickens with our heads cut off tidying, and wrapping up a number of projects, we even stocked up on groceries, you know, just in case they checked in our fridge?! Needless to say we were a little paranoid, Jason even more-so than I for once. It was an intake meeting so the lady didn't even leave our kitchen table haha, let alone make sure we took off the random nail strips between rooms. (But hey, it got those nail strips removed, so I'm ok with that). It was about an hour that she was there, and she basically just went over all of their policies, gave us a mountain of paperwork, and told us we could start the PRIDE training process in three days. Woot, talk about streamlining the process. They have a rule that if you're adopting, you can't be doing fertility treatments, or you can't be pregnant. Which was okay with us, because we can't afford the treatments right now, and we certainly aren't going to be pregnant without them, so we were good to go!

Most of the paperwork was pretty straightforward, they do a credit check, and want to a bunch of your basic info. Then there's the more difficult ones where you have to check off all that apply to your childhood, what your relationship is like with your parents, your values, etc. They go over everything with you at one of your home visits, which is good, because mine was pretty contradictory haha. Then there's the one that you don't think is going to be all that hard, but is slightly difficult, and can make you feel like a terrible person. That's the one where you have to rate (from 1-5) the type of child you'd like. They cover pretty much everything under the sun that the child could potentially be affected with, and it's hard to think on a spectrum for some of the options. Like a facial abnormality could be any from an easy to fix cleft lip, to something like a missing jaw, or something more extreme. So, you basically rate something a 3 or higher if you want a phone call, where they'll give you a bit more info on the child before you make a decision. We've finished the 9 sessions of training, and we have our first home visit scheduled for the beginning of April. To say we're excited is a bit of an understatement.

     We finally got the Monash results back (two days after my birthday), and it unfortunately wasn't the answer we were wanting. I was hoping with all hope that they would find a few. Even though we have no intentions of pursuing any fertility treatments right now, it's still a bit of a blow, because it means the possibility we may not being able to pursue them down the road. The Monash came back saying they still weren't able to find any. So the next step is for Jason to see a urologist, to determine if there's any sort of vas deferen blockage, or any other issue. Then the urologist will determine if he can biopsy to extract sperm we could work with. Although our doctor said that they may not decide to do that because of that elevated FSH level Jason has. Nothing says romantic baby-makin' like sticking a giant needle into the boys. Although I guess if I have to experience a giant needle, he should too right? No, not really the same? He went for his tests before we started any of the naturalistic things we're doing, so we're planning on going through the tests again in a few years if we end up deciding to go the fertility route. 

I get asked a lot how we're handling it so well. The main reason I think is because we both just want to be parents so badly, the delivery method doesn't matter so much. Were we upset that we most likely won't be able to biologically have children. Absolutely. Were there some tears? For sure. But mostly, we were relieved, we knew why we weren't pregnant yet, and we knew now it wasn't because of anything we were doing wrong. We now had a number of different "next steps" down a variety of different avenues. The hardest thing for me, and what still gets me every now and then, is that I may not be able to ever have a piece of Jason. I may never get that adorable little platinum blonde baby boy that looks just like Jason. But (and that's a big but), I still get to watch him be a father, and thinking about that makes it a lot easier. I still get to watch him instill all the values he believes are important into a child that otherwise wouldn't get those values. That's what I focus on, how great of a father he'll be, because by doing that, by being him, I still will have a piece of Jason, (it just may not look like him, or have his blood coursing through their veins). Knowing that while we may not ever be able to be biological parents to anyone, we still get to be parents is good enough for us.
   Another thing that hels us, is we talk. A lot. About everything. (Seriously everything, when we were early on in our dating lives we once had an hour long conversation about different vegetables - cuz we're cool like that!) We talked before we were married about children, and parenting, and adoption. It's surprising how many people don't talk about children before they're married. How they'll parent, what morals and values are important, schooling, religion, etc...those are all very important topics to know where each other stands before committing to each other. We always talked about, what if our baby has Down Syndrome, or ADHD, or Autism. We talked about adoption early on, and how important we both knew it was, and the types of kids we'd want to adopt. And we even talked about infertility. How far would we go? Would we do IVF knowing how expensive it is and that there's no guarantee. Well now we're faced with a biopsied ICSI IVF, which is considerably more, and we knew we weren't willing to go into debt just to try. There was no doubt for us what our next step would be, there was no question about what to do, because we already knew, we'd talked before, and throughout the process. We knew where we stood because of all the prep work we'd laid before we even began this journey. We constantly talk to each other, ask questions, gauge where our emotions are at. About how he felt when we got the news, how I felt. Do we feel like things are moving in the right direction? Are they moving too fast? Not fast enough? There are times when neither of us really want to talk, but we still know it's important, so even though we may push some big talks off for a week or so, we always end up talking about things, especially big things. Plus, we are seriously the two most sarcastic, ridiculous people you'll ever meet. We don't take ourselves seriously, and we're not afraid to poke fun at each other. Life is short, you're supposed to have fun. Even when life seems to be kicking you in the teeth after a root canal (yeah, I'm talking to you 2012) don't forget to have fun, because even when you think you have the worst life around, there's always someone whose life sucks more.
    There were fleeting moments when I thought, "Why me? Why after all I've already been through, and overcome, does this have to happen to me?" I felt like having a baby was owed to me because I've already proved time and time again that I can handle tough, crappy things, I felt I was entitled. Then I took a step back and thought, maybe that's why this was happening to me, because I could handle it. I'd handled everything else life threw at me, maybe this was another test to see if I was worthy for whatever is in store for me. If you have a big enough goal, and you constantly have your eye on it, then no matter what roadblocks get tossed in front of you, you know where your path will lead you. To your greatest goal. For me, that's motherhood, I just have to take the scenic route now to get there; but I know that prize will be well worth every toll I had to pay, or speed bumps I took a little too fast, or detours I had to take. 

  

Fertility issues suck. Big time. They can tear marriages apart, and ruin relationships if you let them. Don't. Don't let a penny on the track completely derail your train. Just run over it, shoot it out, and ping one of those annoying "knows best" people in the throat with it.  Don't try and fit having children into any sort of plan, because what fertility ladies and teen moms know best, is children don't give a rip about any sort of life plan. Just know what your purpose is, for me it's to be a mother, not to be pregnant; then figure out ways to fulfill that purpose. For us, right now that's a domestic adoption. I know adoption isn't the right choice for everyone, but it is for us. And we can't wait to start the judgement process so we can start kid shopping. Maybe it's a good thing we can pick our kid, instead of them having the unfortunate possibility of looking like either one of the crazies from the above picture. Can't wait to tell you how our first home visit goes.


(Read part one, or part two)

Adoption Journey: Our Story Pt 2

(continued from part one) I kept asking these people at what point is it safe to say it's not going to "happen when it happens", or how long do we let it go before we're not "still young". You're never too young to seek fertility help. I know you're trying to make us feel better, but you don't, it's better just to not say anything, and nod along when we're telling you how frustrated we are.

Us at Machu Picchu on our honeymoon in Peru, where I got to pet a baby llama!

It was July before I made a doctors appointment, and December before we got an appointment at the Fertility Doctor's. I was hoping we'd be one of those couples who somehow miraculously get pregnant before we even had an appointment (you know like that friend of a sister-in-law). We weren't. They did their tests; blood work, semen analysis, internal ultrasounds and all that fun jazz. Everything for me seemed to be checking out fine, so we were waiting to hear back from Jason's semen analysis, and I had to have more bloodwork done to make sure I actually ovulate. A week before my appointment I got a phone call saying, "is your husband able to come with you to your appointment, we have his semen analysis back." Well hmmm, what the heck is that supposed to mean. I wasn't really worried, because so far they'd had us come to all the appointments together and told us our results with both of us present. Although I still couldn't help but think that they'd found something abnormal. Perhaps his motility was low? Or maybe his count was a bit lower than average. I knew that an average sperm count for a healthy male range from 20-40 million per mililitre of semen. I also knew that they usually didn't do an IUI unless there was around 5 million, so I was hoping he'd have enough for that and we could just do an IUI. Thankfully it was only a week for me to have to stew in my own thoughts.
   Jason likes to do things in his own time, there's no rushing him in anything he does, he isn't lazy by any means, but if he didn't have to do anything he'd be ok with that, sleep is his favourite pass-time, and having to make decisions probably his least favourite thing. I on the other hand am opposite, I like things to fit into my plan, and heaven forbid if you don't make a decision when I want you to, I'm also not really sure what sleep is, since I don't get much of it. Which is why many friends I had in high-school couldn't understand why I was still with him, after a month when he still hadn't kissed me. As anyone who knows us, knows it took almost two months for him to finally pluck up the nerve to kiss me. So, while it was extremely frustrating that he still hadn't proposed after 4.5 years of dating (and 2.5 years of talking about it), it wasn't really all that shocking. My frustration was more than beginning to show, as most of my friends could attest, I talked about it probably more than was respectable. It wasn't until I suggested threatened told him I was going to propose to him, that he finally got around to popping the question. It was totally unromantic, there was no bended knee, and he left 45min after I said yes, but it was completely, totally us, and it was perfect. I often joked that his sperm were just so in-tune with the rest of him, that they were taking their sweet little time like he always did
   The doctor called us in to his office, and we sat down on the couch, taking mental note that there were Kleenex on the couch this time, which made my heart skip a beat. First he told us that all my blood work checked out ok, and that (at least that month) I ovulate. Then he wheeled his chair so his knees were between us, he was clearly braced for our reactions. He started by asking Jason a bunch of questions about when he did the sample, how long before he gave it over, etc. Then he said, "we don't really see this all that often, but the lab was unable to find any sperm." Well, huh! I looked at Jason, then we quickly averted our eyes, trying not to laugh. Seriously, no sperm eh. Then the doctor started talking about blood work Jase would have to have done, to check his ovary function, to which I naturally had to make a sarcastic remark about "no wonder we're not pregnant if you have ovaries." Then Jason came back with an equally sarcastic remark, because that's how we roll. Then, my favourite part of the whole appointment happened. The doctor rolled his chair back a bit, gave us a quizzical look and said, "you two are handling this remarkably well." To which I had to laugh again, because I had images flash through my head of a wife leaping across the office at her husband to pluck his eyes out - or possibly even his balls since they're nothing more than decorative at that point. He explained that the lab couldn't find anything under a few million, so there was still hope, he'd just have to go for a more in depth test where, if they could find even as many as 12, we would have something to work at. Naturally, I snorted at that, thinking of the mighty Spartan's fighting the Persian army, and had an immediate desire to watch the movie 300. Pretty sure the doctor thought we were unhinged as we left his office smiling. A nurse came to make our day better by asking us if we knew how to go about getting a Monash - which Jason thought was a small deciduous tree, and I thought was perhaps an old style dance move - but is actually what the more in depth sperm analysis is called. 

 the summer we got engaged on the homeward stretch of our two week road trip out west - this is at Kakabeka falls in northern Ontario

Monash results usually take around six weeks to get results, but since we had to contend with Christmas/New Years it ended up taking more like nine! Which sucked. But since I always try my hardest to look on the bright side, or for the silver lining, (or whatever corny cliche you want to throw in there) I was happy that it gave us more time to talk about our options. The doctor had mentioned the possibility of using a sperm bank, which neither of us were overly keen on - although we're planning on going to a support group type thing, because I want to get a grasp of how other women who had to make that choice felt about the matter. Again we were joking that it shouldn't be too hard for us to find the right match, because how many 6'4" ginger's can there be that donate sperm right? I received a call while we were waiting for the results to again let me know that everything was looking good from my side (which can make you feel a little guilty), the conversation regarding Jason went a little something like this:
  Nurse: We found in Jason's blood work that his FSH is a little high.
  Me: OK, well how high is high?
  Nurse: I'm not sure, it just says high.
  Me: Uh, right. Well, what does that mean?
  Nurse: I'm not really sure, I just know what all the female blood work means. 
  Me: Okay...well do we need to make an appointment to go over things then?
  Nurse: Nope, we'll let you know when the Monash results come in, then the doctor will go over things with you.
Right, that seems legit, I was left wondering what in the hell was the purpose of the phone call, if all they did was make me turn to the internet to try and figure out what it all meant. And any hypochondriac or someone with munchausen can tell you, the internet is chaulk full of a plethora of frightening things pertaining the simplest of ailments. Turns out FSH is "Follicle-Stimulating-Hormone" and it's basically in charge of stimulating the growth of sperm, and if it's too high it's because the testes aren't producing a hormone called inhibin. What does it all mean? Basically that there's been some sort of testicular failure - which could be because of a pituitary problem, or some sort of trauma, or a number of other things. And basically unless you can find out why this FSH is elevated (and that the cause is treatable) there's not a whole lot you can do about it. So at this stage, all I could do was hold out hope that they would find a small Spartan army ready to go to battle.  

 Us showing off our glorious sun burns in Cuba (and yes, Jason's shirt does say, "The lawn gnomes are stealing my sanity")


  We had always talked about adopting, it's always been something we were going to do. Both biological children and adoption were always our Plan A. Call us crazy, but we always planned to have four kids of our own then adopt one or two children. Well, in case I hadn't already learned, plans change. With Jason's either extremely low or non-existent sperm count, we clearly weren't going to have any biological children without sinking considerable amount of money into something that came with no guarantees. We decided that regardless of what the results came back as, we weren't going to go ahead with any sort of fertility treatments. We just didn't have the money to be pursuing the ICSI IVF - we're looking at anywhere from $6000 - $9000 per cycle. Doesn't everyone have an extra 8G they can just fling at a procedure that isn't going to guarantee you anything? We weren't looking to go into debt, so it was apparent that we were going to have to change our plan. We figured if it's going to cost us as much (if not more) to conceive a biological child as it is to do an international adoption, then we're certainly going to go for the option that comes with a trip. In case you couldn't tell (or don't know us) we really love to explore, we've got a few notches on our continental belt, but we'd like to add a few more. Although at this point we decided that a domestic adoption through CAS was what was right for us. So I sent off the email, saying we were interested. 


(Read part one and part three)

The Man Files: Jason's "Movember"

Ok, everyone knows that Jason can't grow facial hair. If someone held a gun to my head and said grow a moustache or I die, I will unfortunately die. When he is able to grow a small, tiny bit of hair, it is platinum blonde, so you can't see it anyway. Unless the light hits it the right way...then you can see the sun glistening slightly off of something. I affectionally call my my little goat, because he can only grow hair (that you can see) on his chinny-chin-chin. We're both ok with the fact that he can't really grow hair...him, because he only has to shave like once a month; and me, because I don't have to kiss that scrapey terribleness. Although he is aware that since "hair growth" (or lack there of) generally comes from the mothers side, our 12 year old son will most likely be able to grow a much better beard than his dear ol' dad. 
 So how does Jason deal when Movember comes around? Well he grows away, and hopes like hell that you'll be able to see it by the end of the month...OR he goes out and buys some just for men to colour his face into submission. 


I will let the pictures speak for themselves. He wasn't very happy I was taking pictures, but I assured him it was something our children would want to see someday. (As well as the world wide web right now haha)

The before...really the only hair you can see is on his chin. Had to read the instructions very carefully hehe.

Mix, mix, mix!

Applying it all over.

All up on that! I am especially fond of how far up his lip he went haha. Still can't really see any lip hair can ya?

The after: it's noticeable now eh? He's actually got a moustache! I apologize for the crappy pictures, he was really not into me taking pictures of him haha. 

It was a hilarious process to witness! Unfortunately I don't really have any pictures of him before we washed it off. When I stepped into the shower, and he turned around and said, "so whatcha think?" I just about died. He looked like he was playing the homeless bum in a play. I was sorely tempted to jump out and shove a bottle of vodka in a paper bag for him. I couldn't even feel bad for laughing haha...it was that bad. His face was stained, because he wanted to accomplish the "chin-strap" effect, but had no hair to dye. So he scrubbed and scrubbed, and finally it left his face. In the end, it doesn't look that bad...pretty good actually. Takes some getting used to. He did this Friday, and I finally no longer laugh when I look at him. 


Whatcha think? Do you like it? Should he keep it? Should he do it again? I can't wait to see what it looks like when his platinum hair starts growing in again...and it's half brown half invisible hehe.